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Muffler bearing removal and servicing.

Every 3000 miles, with regular oil changes, your muffler bearing must be serviced. The correct service tool is available from your Harley dealer (Part Number HD 5000-04-01). Failure to service your muffler bearing will first be evidenced by an audible squeak. Continued operation without proper maintenance will result in a seized muffler and improper engine operation. Only high temperature muffler bearing grease should be used (Part Number HD 5001-04-01).

Exhaust blues, man commits suicide.

A Florida man ended his life when he noticed his Harley exhaust system had turned blue. Apparently despondent, he left a suicide note saying he could no longer be seen in public with a blued exhaust and went on to state, since his vote was not counted in the last election, there was no reason to live. Friends were shocked at his death and one close friend stated he had only meant well when he recently told the man he could no longer ride with the Harley Owners Group with a blued exhaust.

Department of Homeland Security requires all Harleys be X-Rayed at Sturgis.

Sturgis has been designated a permanent Condition Orange area by the Department of Homeland Security. The secretary stated he had a “gut feeling” that radical extremists were targeting the Black Hills and that reliable information had been obtained that the attack would come on two wheels. All Harley riders visiting Sturgis are advised to procure lead lined chaps and vests.

Custom Paint jobs linked to Altzheimers.

A study by the Transportation Department has linked the onset of Altzheimers disease to custom paint jobs on Harleys. A Department Spokesperson stated they had noticed a loss of memory in people wandering around the country in store bought choppers. Further investigation showed the people had spent an inordinate amount of time touching, licking and fondling their custom paint jobs. Although a health warning has been issued, Department officials state more studies are necessary and that there may also be a link to watching reality TV shows.

Willie G diagnosed with retro virus.

Recent product introductions from Harley-Davidson led concerned parties to have Wille G examined by medical authorities. Doctors at the Mayo Clinic confirmed earlier suspicions that the famed designer was infected with a Retro Virus. A spokesman stated “We saw earlier signs with the introduction of the quasi-hardtail Softail and later on the flags went up again with the introduction of the Springer front ends. A specialist stated "We thought he was virus free when the V-Rod was introduced".

However, the recent introduction of the Harley fat tired Rocker C model confirmed the Doctors worst suspicions. On close inspection the Rocker C was found to have a pull out rumble seat! The lead medical specialist stated” I am sad to say we won’t be seeing any more XLCR Cafe Racers, FXRs, or FLHT’s.” Buell's fate is unknown.

Women declare longer front ends are not better.

A recent scientific study has shown women feel extended front ends do not bring more excitement or pleasure to their lives. Researchers sniffing pillion pads noticed a drop in female excitement in recent years. Scientists have noted women’s rear ends have been getting wider and this may be an indicator of the shift in the market from choppers to Dressers. Further study is required. Chopper manufacturers are worried and some have resorted to lower seating positions to put women in the driver’s seat.

Honda buys Harley...All employees are ordered to get tatoos.

Unable to crack the secret code, Honda simply bought Harley-Davidson. When Harley was unable to patent their distinctive “potato-potato” sound the Japanese sensed a weakness and simply waited for George Bush to push the country into a recession. Milwaukee executives were seen stuffing bundles of cash in their Lexuses and headed for Aspen. All Honda employees were required to get a tatoo from a list of authorized designs. The most popular was “Big Twin and Blue Fins” with a Charlie Tuna festooned with fishtails. In spite of predictions of wide employee defections over the matter, almost all employees immediately complied. Employees who were already tattooed Yakuza were exempted from the edict.

Warranties voided if Harley Air not used in tires.

Mandatory air checks are now required during routine service at all authorized Harley-Davidson dealers. Those found to have unauthorized air in their tires will have their warranties voided. A company service bulletin states however there will be a 30 day grace period for offenders to get their air exchanged. Industry analysts think Harley is determined to run aftermarket tire filling shops out of business. Lobbyists are rumored to have ear marked legislation making oem air mandatory in all vehicles.

Training wheels mandated by government.

A rash of new Harley owners falling over in parking lots around the country has prompted the government to mandate training wheels for all new big twin riders. No women are affected by the new ruling as they seem to be able to keep the paint up and the rubber down.

Secret hybrid Harley spotted.

Rumors of extension cords and short commuting range were proved wrong as spies have confirmed that the new hybrid Harley is actually powered by a large natural gas tank in a towed trailer with small electrical motors in each wheel hub. The propane tank is disguised as Honda Goldwing so the Harley owner does not have to have the indignity of being passed.

Early prototypes, disguised as Honda step throughs proved impractical. Electrical motors proved more reliable than methane propulsion.

Pot bellies linked to Harley use.

A government financed project monitoring traffic on the bridge to nowhere has linked obesity and large pot bellies to Harley ownership. Government studies conclude certain people no longer fit into their SUVs which were designed for 5’ 5” women and are migrating to Harleys. Alaska has ear-marked 200 million dollars for further research.

Harley designated official pace car for Indy 500...Drivers Protest.

This year’s Indy 500 will mark the end of the feud between CART and the IRL and will also be the the first time a Harley will be the official pace car. Drivers immediately protested saying the Harley is simply too slow and it might oil or leave debris on the track. The winner of the American Idol competition is to be the “Pace Car “ driver but a check of the contestants show none have a valid motorcycle license. Event organizers were unavailable for comment..

Sportster dresser spotted...Is the Big Twin Dead?

Recent spy shots have shown a full dress Sportster circulating on a secret test track. No further details were available at press time.

Jay Leno Scammed...I saw the pushrod tubes!

At a recent Barrett-Jackson Auction Jay Leno bought what he thought was a rare Willie G signature Harley only it turned out to be a Yamaha Road Star. Jay said..”I saw the pushrod tubes and it came with one of those Willie G fringed jackets I always wanted...boy was I stupid”. Jay liked the bike anyway because “the pushrod tubes are so big”...He was seen riding off on the Yamaha to take a look at a Duesenberg he found in a local barn.

Chrome accessories linked to bird attacks.

The proliferation of attacks by magpies and crows on chrome-adorned, customized Harleys has alarmed customizers, owners, and manufacturers. Actually it has been rumored for some time and may actually be the reason behind the sudden bankruptcy of Custom Chrome, a major purveyor of shiny bits and pieces for the aftermarket. Customized Harley owners have been advised to purchase flat black paint for their own protection. Harley unveiled a new Zero-Chrome FXST with full rider coverage to protect riders from airborne attacks.

New Knucklehead to replace Twin Cam models.

In a never-ending rash of innovation Harley-Davidson is to replace the nearly decade old Twin Cam models with Knuckleheads. It is speculated that the move was entirely predictable as the Twin Cams had less power and more problems than the previous Evolutions and it was a natural progression to build an even less powerful engine with more problems. A company spokesman stated that the engine's power was not a consideration as the bikes were just an excuse to sell clothing. In a similar move S&S Cycle recently acquired Flathead Power, a purveyor of Knucklehead parts, and announced they would be selling clothes in partnership with TV star Jesse James. Industry watchdogs see a trend.

Harley Vibrations determined obscene Supreme Court Rules.

Chief Justice Roberts, stating in a 5 to 4 decision, "I know obscene vibrations when I feel them" ordered Harley-Davidson to install counter balancers in all their new motorcycles. The Department of Transportation attorney representing the Government presented tuna-scented seats that had been confiscated from late night bar raids as evidence. A Harley-Davidson spokesman said they had no choice but to comply, but Screaming Eagle vibrating seats would still be sold. Justice Roberts is a known proponent of four wheeled travel and has ties to mini-van makers.

Hydrogen Powered Car causes Bike Crash.

Like in a scene from a James Bond Movie, or perhaps a Mike Meyers sequel, water coming out the exhaust of hydrogen powered fuel cell zero emissions prototype car caused the violent crash of a California Highway Patrol Officer. At the scene of the crash the officer, bruised but not seriously hurt, said " I was in hot pursuit of the car because it was driving slowly and erratically with the driver apparently yelling into his cell phone when I hit the water trail...I didn't have a chance". Dyson is rumored to have a cyclonic hybrid water vacuum in the works.

New rear tire too wide for roads.

New 2500 series tires that exceed D.O.T. lane widths are causing causing turmoil in the aftermarket. The Fat Tire Bike Industry Council criticized the administration for not rebuilding the nation's crumbling infrastructure with wider lanes. An Industry spokesman stated that unless no-bid contracts were released to Hallibuton/KBR the whole fat bike tire market could collapse. Roger B., a noted fat tire proponent, said his innovative brilliance was being stifled by the government’s inaction.