US Armed Forces 65000 Immigrants Serve...Guess who doesn't
Clutch and Brake
The Donald has threatened Harley-Davidson
saying their clutch and brake levers are too large and that they were
obviously designed for large paw immigrants. If they don't comply there
will be no Harley parking at any Trump properties...and those pesky
Union workers at Harley who install those oversize immigrant levers
will have to go too.
Bring Back the Draft
There is no draft so those with gold plated bathroom fixtures and money are all to eager to send your ass off to foreign lands to prove they are tough. Well bippee if you bring back the draft their peckers will shrivel up, they will lawyer up, and old lacrosse injuries and a feigned allergies to wool or whatever will keep them warm and secure in their penthouses. Until you've walked in to see the recruiter, been stripped of all your bling, and put on equal footing with the rest of those who serve, you have no business playing G.I. JOE.
George W and George W
The guy on the left was a renowned
horseman and a fearless Commander on the battlefield. The guy on the
right...well, it's all history now. Now that's pretty funny because the
joke is on us and we're paying for it.
Mae West Edition Harley
Harley, knowing that two big ones gets the
attention of their demographic male customer base, opted for two 38DD
radiators to cool a couple of puny exhaust valves. Dubbed internally as
the "Mae West" Project it also keeps the frilly fins that so excites
their customers. All the rubber hoses, slippery lubricant and the
electric vibrating pump that comes with it further adds to the appeal.
Romney to Send All Harley Production to India and China
Karl Rove, stating there are more golfers
than Harley Riders, and since they were almost all white, and that golf
carts have four wheels, which is a better foundation for the economy
instead of two wheels, has advised Romney to have Bain Capital buy
Harley Davidson, let go all the Union workers and sell Harley to the
Chinese. Rove opined that the Chinese have the money, that the union
workers either "don't or won't when we finish with them", so a few
Trillion in donations from the Chinese will line a few pockets since
the country is for sale these days. FYI a $1,000,000.00 investment by the Chinese gets them a Green Card...ah sooo cheap.
In addition, Rove stated that exit polls showed more women, blacks, and Hispanics were buying Harleys and those votes didn't count anyway. If you can't give a million dollars for a greet and a shake at an exclusive resort in Utah you are flat out of luck...Well you can always buy a golf cart by seeing your favorite payday lender. Romney has reportedly bought exclusive waterfront property in Kowloon for his retirement. Then there's those hidden offshore island accounts in Bermuda...Watergate, Bermuda Gate...Follow the water.
Four military deferments for Romney.. Five if you count his father. None of his five sons served or volunteered for the military..Why should they? They have a 100 million dollar tax free trust fund. That Harley T-Shirt is probably outsourced. Why are they all smiling? Well, you know why. They know who's your daddy. While you are spit shining your military dress shoes they will be wearing $500.00 Ferragamo loafers.
Secret Found!!!....They Hold All the Cards
A covert "Black Bag Operation" by an
Occupy America Operative discovered why 1% of the country has you by
your balls...It's a Royal Flush hidden behind the curtains while you
toil away asking for a new hand in a fruitless pursuit to get ahead in
life. The deck is stacked...Your wages are stagnant or you have lost
your job and that Harley that used to cost $6,000.00 is now $30,000.00.
Of course you no longer have a garage to put in it because your house
has been foreclosed on. Your student loans are not protected by
bankruptcy laws and they just cancelled your health insurance because
you had the gall to get sick. Your credit card rate went up to 30%
interest for some obscure reason and they just sent you two new
introductory "zero %" credit cards to get you started again. Your
parents bought a house for $50,000.00 when they were making $35,000.00
now the house you want is $450,000.00 and you are making $35,000.00.
Hey, those Gulfstrean 5's cost money to
operate and a house in the Hamptons and a Winter Get-Away in Aspen is
an absolute minimum these days for those holding the cards...er, Your
Harley Predator Drone
Inspired by the new remote controlled video game warfare where you rule the skies and still get home for dinner, Harley Davidson introduces the new Harley Predator Drone, the ultimate in touring reality. Intially conceived as a way around Helmet laws, but viewed as too expensive until the Bush tax cuts for the uber wealthy were extended, the Harley Predator Drone allows the owner to go to Sturgis or Daytona without even a truck and trailer. A Harley spokesperson said it was really going to cut into boot and chaps sales but the exorbinant price more than makes up for it.
George Smith Sr. Spinning in Grave
Hitting a speed where pushrods snap and stroker cranks fly apart the late George Smith Senior must be spinning in his grave with the recent announcement that his Grandson and former S&S Cycle President Brett Smith has assumed the position as head of Baja Motorsports U. S. operations. Baja Motorsports sells Chinese powersports equipment through outlets like Pep Boys.
Pundits hope that the leadership that Brett brought to S&S Cycle will carry over to his Chinese made imports...anything to help the trade imbalance between China and the United States.
Virtual Life, Virtual Reality, Virtual Sales
Declining motorcycle sales prompted an investigation by Frontline. First surveyed were older Harley Davidson owners and riders. Investigative reporters found a surprising result...The riders were not riding, but spending all their time on forums talking about riding and polishing their pen names and avatars. They spent so much time searching the net and posting their opinions on this and that, that they no longer rode their motorcycles. Futher investigation showed their children were staring at computer screens an average of five hours per day and their cell phones another two hours. The startling conclusion was that no one in the future would have any time to either work or ride, much less buy motorcycles.
A Harley spokesman said they were looking to get into the video game business before it was too late.
1%ers Save Harley-Davidson...Welcome Mat is Back
Hard core bikers always kept Harley in business, that is, until the EVOs came out and the RUBs came in with their easy money from 2nd and 3rd mortgages...Buy a boat this week and a Harley the next. Bags full of money and loads of accessories, chrome do-dads, and fringed clothing meant the 1%ers were no longer welcome. Guys who wear colors don't buy Willie G Jackets and they might just scare a few squeaky-clean white collar criminals off. Panheads, Knuckleheads and, in 1966, the Shovelheads...Choppers were keeping the Harley name alive before the Gold Rush and gave the RUBs a personna to slide into when there was less oil on the floor. It's always easier when someone cuts the trail.
The RUB's are gone and the 1%ers are still here and they still have their Choppers but will drop coin on a full tilt Dresser. Broken bones, arthritis and long warm up periods for the body each morning means Choppers and FL's in the garage. No boats, no Maui trips, no Aspen ski trips just club meetings, runs, and dues to pay.
The phonies are gone but some things stay the same...and their money is good.
Citroen Motorcycle Spotted
Secret spy shot of new Citroen Motorcycle undergoing testing at an undisclosed desert location. Center hub steering, twin cylinder air cooled engine, and a unique leading arm swingarm. Front and rear suspension appear to be linked by a common suspension unit. One BMW engineer was shocked to see the new prototype saying "I thought we made the most bizarre engineered opposed twins...We're going to have to drop more acid!". James Parker who has made a career out of trying to invent or re-invent poorly engineered front suspensions that don't work wasn't available for comment. Commenting is popular profession these days. Refugee ELF engineers may have been spotted nearby.
Harley Shutters Buell Operations
After a 26 year odyssey of surrounding a Sportster engine with "innovations" like perimeter brakes, speed bump catching mufflers and backward acting shocks, as well as many expensive components, someone finally woke up at Harley and said "Why in the heck are we giving him millions of dollars to make Sportsters....We already have warehouses full of them!". This revelation will come at a heavy cost to foreign suppliers of aluminum gas tank frames, expensive suspension components and braking systems who are now left out in the cold. It is rumored that an undercover investigation of Buell Operations intercepted an internal communique stating.."If they ever figure out we're just dressing up Sportsters we're done for". It is speculated that the late move to the even poorer selling Austrian Rotax engined 1125R was an attempt to deal the pushrod legacy a final blow, rid the Buell name of any American components, and save the company from the inevitable. Alas, it was not be. It's back to Road Glides and chrome.
Harley Launches Recession Plan
With sales tanking 40% and dealers closing, Harley has come up with a foolproof plan to beat the recession that guarantees high margins and no dealer or warranty hassles. Relaunching their Military Eco Combat Multi-Purpose Green Machine (Acronym MEC-MPG), Harley is fast laying plans for new factories in non-union states to meet the demand. To quote one inside source..."Hell, they can blow up 25 of these for less than one HumVee". The Army is looking to save money on fuel costs and armor plating.
Xe (formerly Blackwater) secured a large no bid contract to supply the MEC-MPG for future conflicts they are already planning for. A Harley spokesperson was heard "We should have looked at the Federal Budget before and stopped filling warehouses with unsold Sportsters".
Harley Announces Trillion Dollar CVO Model
Former Treasury Secretary Paulson claims he was hoodwinked when he only handed out 700 billion dollars to his Wall Street friends. Paulson had his hands in the till and could have forked over a couple of Trillion when he had the chance. Paulson, the former Chairman of Goldman Sachs, handed out about 12 billion dollars in bailout funds to Goldman Sachs. Since he only made 38 million dollars in bonus money, and the average staff member only got a paltry $521,000.00 in bonuses, no one at Goldman will be able to buy the new Trillion Dollar CVO Harley.
The Bvlgari CVO, festooned with a bejeweled instrument cluster, is actually sold out with the limited edition already snapped up by Middle Eastern Oil Potentates and shadowy Russian businessmen.
Paulson's net worth of 500 million dollars will not qualify him for his Harley Orange CVO Credit Card said a Harley spokesman.
AIG Execs to return HOGs
Under pressure from Congressional hearings, AIG executives agreed to return their jewel-encrusted Harley-Davidson bonus bikes. They were allowed to retain their custom leather riding gear festooned with the logo "Greed is Good" from their local HOG chapter. They will be allowed to attend HOG chapter meetings but can only use private jets and limousines.
Members of Congress were allowed to keep their gold-plated Harleys bought with AIG campaign contributions.
Muffler bearing removal and servicing.
Every 3000 miles, with regular oil changes, your muffler bearing must be serviced. The correct service tool is available from your Harley dealer (Part Number HD 5000-04-01). Failure to service your muffler bearing will first be evidenced by an audible squeak. Continued operation without proper maintenance will result in a seized muffler and improper engine operation. Only high temperature muffler bearing grease should be used (Part Number HD 5001-04-01).
Exhaust blues, man commits suicide.
A Florida man ended his life when he noticed his Harley exhaust system had turned blue. Apparently despondent, he left a suicide note saying he could no longer be seen in public with a blued exhaust and went on to state, since his vote was not counted in the last election, there was no reason to live. Friends were shocked at his death and one close friend stated he had only meant well when he recently told the man he could no longer ride with the Harley Owners Group with a blued exhaust.
Department of Homeland Security requires all Harleys be X-Rayed at Sturgis.
Sturgis has been designated a permanent Condition Orange area by the Department of Homeland Security. The secretary stated he had a “gut feeling” that radical extremists were targeting the Black Hills and that reliable information had been obtained that the attack would come on two wheels. All Harley riders visiting Sturgis are advised to procure lead lined chaps and vests.
Custom Paint jobs linked to Altzheimers.
A study by the Transportation Department has linked the onset of Altzheimers disease to custom paint jobs on Harleys. A Department Spokesperson stated they had noticed a loss of memory in people wandering around the country in store bought choppers. Further investigation showed the people had spent an inordinate amount of time touching, licking and fondling their custom paint jobs. Although a health warning has been issued, Department officials state more studies are necessary and that there may also be a link to watching reality TV shows.
Willie G diagnosed with retro virus.
Recent product introductions from Harley-Davidson led concerned parties to have Wille G examined by medical authorities. Doctors at the Mayo Clinic confirmed earlier suspicions that the famed designer was infected with a Retro Virus. A spokesman stated “We saw earlier signs with the introduction of the quasi-hardtail Softail and later on the flags went up again with the introduction of the Springer front ends. A specialist stated "We thought he was virus free when the V-Rod was introduced".
However, the recent introduction of the Harley fat tired Rocker C model confirmed the Doctors worst suspicions. On close inspection the Rocker C was found to have a pull out rumble seat! The lead medical specialist stated” I am sad to say we won’t be seeing any more XLCR Cafe Racers, FXRs, or FLHT’s.” The killing off of MV Augusta and Buell probably means the Retro Virus has entered Stage 4.
Women declare longer front ends are not better.
A recent scientific study has shown women feel extended front ends do not bring more excitement or pleasure to their lives. Researchers sniffing pillion pads noticed a drop in female excitement in recent years. Scientists have noted women’s rear ends have been getting wider and this may be an indicator of the shift in the market from choppers to Dressers. Further study is required. Chopper manufacturers are worried and some have resorted to lower seating positions to put women in the driver’s seat.
Honda buys Harley...All employees are ordered to get tatoos.
Unable to crack the secret code, Honda simply bought Harley-Davidson. When Harley was unable to patent their distinctive “potato-potato” sound the Japanese sensed a weakness and simply waited for George Bush to push the country into a recession. Milwaukee executives were seen stuffing bundles of cash in their Lexuses and headed for Aspen. All Honda employees were required to get a tatoo from a list of authorized designs. The most popular was “Big Twin and Blue Fins” with a Charlie Tuna festooned with fishtails. In spite of predictions of wide employee defections over the matter, almost all employees immediately complied. Employees who were already tattooed Yakuza were exempted from the edict.
Warranties voided if Harley Air not used in tires.
Mandatory air checks are now required during routine service at all authorized Harley-Davidson dealers. Those found to have unauthorized air in their tires will have their warranties voided. A company service bulletin states however there will be a 30 day grace period for offenders to get their air exchanged. Industry analysts think Harley is determined to run aftermarket tire filling shops out of business. Lobbyists are rumored to have ear marked legislation making oem air mandatory in all vehicles.
Training wheels mandated by government.
A rash of new Harley owners falling over in parking lots around the country has prompted the government to mandate training wheels for all new big twin riders. No women are affected by the new ruling as they seem to be able to keep the paint up and the rubber down.
Secret hybrid Harley spotted.
Rumors of extension cords and short commuting range were proved wrong as spies have confirmed that the new hybrid Harley is actually powered by a large natural gas tank in a towed trailer with small electrical motors in each wheel hub. The propane tank is disguised as Honda Goldwing so the Harley owner does not have to have the indignity of being passed.
Early prototypes, disguised as Honda step throughs proved impractical. Electrical motors proved more reliable than methane propulsion.
Pot bellies linked to Harley use.
A government financed project monitoring traffic on the bridge to nowhere has linked obesity and large pot bellies to Harley ownership. Government studies conclude certain people no longer fit into their SUVs which were designed for 5’ 5” women and are migrating to Harleys. Alaska has ear-marked 200 million dollars for further research.
Harley designated official pace car for Indy 500...Drivers Protest.
This year’s Indy 500 will mark the end of the feud between CART and the IRL and will also be the the first time a Harley will be the official pace car. Drivers immediately protested saying the Harley is simply too slow and it might oil or leave debris on the track. The winner of the American Idol competition is to be the “Pace Car “ driver but a check of the contestants show none have a valid motorcycle license. Event organizers were unavailable for comment..
Sportster dresser spotted...Is the Big Twin Dead?
Recent spy shots have shown a full dress Sportster circulating on a secret test track. No further details were available at press time.
Jay Leno Scammed...I saw the pushrod tubes!
At a recent Barrett-Jackson Auction Jay Leno bought what he thought was a rare Willie G signature Harley only it turned out to be a Yamaha Road Star. Jay said..”I saw the pushrod tubes and it came with one of those Willie G fringed jackets I always wanted...boy was I stupid”. Jay liked the bike anyway because “the pushrod tubes are so big”...He was seen riding off on the Yamaha to take a look at a Duesenberg he found in a local barn.
Chrome accessories linked to bird attacks.
The proliferation of attacks by magpies and crows on chrome-adorned, customized Harleys has alarmed customizers, owners, and manufacturers. Actually it has been rumored for some time and may actually be the reason behind the sudden bankruptcy of Custom Chrome, a major purveyor of shiny bits and pieces for the aftermarket. Customized Harley owners have been advised to purchase flat black paint for their own protection. Harley unveiled a new Zero-Chrome FXST with full rider coverage to protect riders from airborne attacks.
New Knucklehead to replace Twin Cam models.
In a never-ending rash of innovation Harley-Davidson is to replace the nearly decade old Twin Cam models with Knuckleheads. It is speculated that the move was entirely predictable as the Twin Cams had less power and more problems than the previous Evolutions and it was a natural progression to build an even less powerful engine with more problems. A company spokesman stated that the engine's power was not a consideration as the bikes were just an excuse to sell clothing. In a similar move S&S Cycle recently acquired Flathead Power, a purveyor of Knucklehead parts, and announced they would be selling clothes in partnership with TV star Jesse James. Industry watchdogs see a trend.
Harley Vibrations determined obscene Supreme Court Rules.
Chief Justice Roberts, stating in a 5 to 4 decision, "I know obscene vibrations when I feel them" ordered Harley-Davidson to install counter balancers in all their new motorcycles. The Department of Transportation attorney representing the Government presented tuna-scented seats that had been confiscated from late night bar raids as evidence. A Harley-Davidson spokesman said they had no choice but to comply, but Screaming Eagle vibrating seats would still be sold. Justice Roberts is a known proponent of four wheeled travel and has ties to mini-van makers.
Hydrogen Powered Car causes Bike Crash.
Like in a scene from a James Bond Movie, or perhaps a Mike Meyers sequel, water coming out the exhaust of hydrogen powered fuel cell zero emissions prototype car caused the violent crash of a California Highway Patrol Officer. At the scene of the crash the officer, bruised but not seriously hurt, said " I was in hot pursuit of the car because it was driving slowly and erratically with the driver apparently yelling into his cell phone when I hit the water trail...I didn't have a chance". Dyson is rumored to have a cyclonic hybrid water vacuum in the works.
New rear tire too wide for roads.
2500 series tires that exceed D.O.T. lane widths are causing turmoil in
the aftermarket. The Fat Tire Bike Industry Council criticized the
administration for not rebuilding the nation's crumbling infrastructure
with wider lanes. An Industry spokesman stated that unless no-bid
contracts were released to Halliburton/KBR the whole fat bike tire
market could collapse. Roger B., a noted fat tire proponent, said his
innovative brilliance was being stifled by the government’s inaction.